Zlyrg's Xanga

Monday, May 16, 2005

Mon, 16 May 2005 03:21:04 GMT

blog moveage.

http://www.squishedlizard.net check it out, yo.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 11:51:48 GMT

delirium

Such lines I write
As they're pounding through my head
And surrender myself
once again to the mindless apathy
why does it happen?
and where does it come from?

Don't worry - I don't understand either

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense
or if it makes too much sense
but I can't control where it comes from
just what I do with it when I'm done

he blinked again
and then blew a hard breath
at the dust on his books
and then began to turn around
slowly
meeting my eyes with a gaze
piercing
that consumed my thoughts
and pushed down my walls
once again

This always happens!
she screams
while neurotically dancing
Barefoot in the rain
to the sounds of
Jimmy Buffett
and Kevin Lyttle

There's nothing I can do about it now
it's too late
I'm surrendering myself
and my pain
and my frusteration

a tsunami of acceptance has
washed over me
and the girl dancing in the rain

but he remains
And blinks
and starts to cry
As someone spilled coffee
on his first edition Montaigne

That's okay
Because I would cry too
not so much over spilt milk
or coffee as the case maybe
but the symbolism

SYMBOLISM
Not symbology
The SYMBOLISM

has been all to consuming
and a waste of energy and good thoughts
it's music to my ears
the crumbling fortitude
and miserable dynamyte

know, she whispered
know the angel who is telling you
to manipulate champange

Such lines I write
to no real point or purpose
they're here
to hold me down
and hold me back

Friday, April 08, 2005

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 07:37:19 GMT

fermaylabush: I hope I never think "hey who's tickling my nuts" and see a guy
squishedlizard: lmao
fermaylabush: I'd rather even see a relative
squishedlizard: ew.
fermaylabush: cause at least then its like "well she is female"
squishedlizard: what about a guy relative?
fermaylabush: no
fermaylabush: idealy it would be kelly hu, after she almost married a cousin then realized how lame that cousin was
squishedlizard: 2 pages of dead people.
fermaylabush: cause if you squint hard enough, an almost spouse of a cousin could be considered a relative
squishedlizard: lol
squishedlizard: yup
fermaylabush: I'd even date kelly hu from what I've heard of her
squishedlizard: really?
squishedlizard: that'd be cool
fermaylabush: why would that be cool?
squishedlizard: I have speakers now.
squishedlizard: because I wouldn't mind having her in the family.
fermaylabush: nice
fermaylabush: ah
squishedlizard: or having her at all for that matter.
fermaylabush: lol
fermaylabush: am I to believe that I would be sharing my toys again?
squishedlizard: lol only if you wanted to.
fermaylabush: lol
fermaylabush: you--"Hey frank, So what you doin?"
me --"nothing, you?"
you--"well I was wondering if I could come over....kill some time, play some games.."
me--"kelly isn't here.."
you--"oh well I have to go..the water is flowing over the mirror and I think thats bad"
squishedlizard: lol
squishedlizard: lmao

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 10:19:47 GMT

Bouncing Bovine - Lesson 6

I'm feeling very poetic tonight.

I don't know why, but sometimes, I feel almost trapped...lost...

I feel like I've been wandering for years, and years, and years. In a way, I suppose I have. I'm figuring out who I already am. I'm not developing. I'm discovering. I'm hunting. "Searching is half the fun: life is much more manageable when thought of as a scavenger hunt as opposed to a surprise party."

I'm trying to keep my balance. I'm trying to keep my perspective. I have found the "fucking silver lining." But sometimes, today, it's been hard. I'm coping. But it's been harder today than other days. People know that I've been dealing with a lot of emotional shit, but I'm not sure how many people understand that I'm coping with my self destructive nature.

I'm lucky I have expression. I am lucky I can express. The urge to scream, and expose my soul is overwhelming sometimes, and I think if I didn't express, I should implode. I'm trying to get over this dark time in my life, where everything was sad, and depressing, and dark. I find myself wondering if I can get over it. Maybe I can't. Maybe it's part of who I am. Maybe I need to be depressed to create.

I have noticed I am not painting, and I am barely writing any poetry now that I am happier. But I don't want to be like Edmund, and tell the people closest to me...the people that make me happy, that I can't be near them because when I am happy, I lose my expression. I'm trying to focus on this. I am trying to change this about myself. It's not healthy, and I know it. But these things don't come so easily.

And this is something you don't get prepared for early in life. Parents don't teach you how to cope with not expressing because you're happy. Parents don't teach you what to do when you are happy and no longer have the motivation, or inspiration, to paint. They don't teach you that in college. They don't teach you that in art school.

Where do you get your inspiration? Does it come out of misery, or does it come out of happiness? How do you find the balance in your life? Everything is about balance. You need misery to appreciate happiness. You need hatred to appreciate love, but how do you find the balance between misery and happiness, that will still allow you to create, and love adequately? Is there this balance?

Maybe that is what I have been searching for. The balance that will allow me to be content, and creative. I seem to be incapable of being creative if I'm happy.

Show me yours, and I'll show you mine.

I'm not bouncing on a bubble under the summer sun, and I'm only here because I feel compelled. I don't have to be here, but I feel like I should be here. I'm not swinging alone in the wind anymore. It seems almost as though I have found my feet.

I'm trying to keep it in focus, and I'm trying to find my happy balance. I'm just trying to keep it between the navigational beacons...

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 10:18:10 GMT

knowl·edge ( P ) Pronunciation Key (nlj)n.

The state or fact of knowing.
Familiarity, awareness, or understanding gained through experience or study.
The sum or range of what has been perceived, discovered, or learned.
Learning; erudition: teachers of great knowledge.
Specific information about something.
Carnal knowledge.

The urge to consume knowledge has been screaming, pulsing, and weeping inside of me to let me work it's will. From experiance, comes knowledge, and sometimes, we gain wisdom. it seems that only through life, and wandering out abyss, and listening to our inner voice, do we ever gain wisdom. Only then do our oak, and ebony trimmed, doors begin to open.

Albrect taught me how to open doors. McDounough showed me what doors to open, and E actually started the door opening process. He didn't open anything, though, that didn't already want to be opened.

I think we all have doors, and I think we all have windows. Sometimes, I've noticed, people will stand tiptoe looking in our little windows, and sometimes other people will yank open the door, and barge in, uninvited, and prance around cautiously flipping switches, pushing buttons, just waiting for a reaction of some sort or another.

I was having a discussion earlier, and it followed along the lines of being able to take an event in my life, that lead me to such depression, such a dark place, and making it a good thing. It IS a good thing. It is only a good thing. How could it be anything but? When you look at it, things are good regardless of the process...almost regardless of the outcome. I am aware that I am going to gain knowledge, and wisdom, and strength from this event in my life. --And that alone, makes it worth all the heartache in the world.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 10:18:01 GMT

Bouncing Bovine - Lesson 4

for·ti·tude ( P ) Pronunciation Key (fôrt-td, -tyd)n.

Strength of mind that allows one to endure pain or adversity with courage.

strength Pronunciation Key (strngkth, strngth, strnth)
n.

The state, property, or quality of being strong.
The power to resist attack; impregnability.
The power to resist strain or stress; durability.
The ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly.
Capacity or potential for effective action: a show of strength.
1. The number of people constituting a normal or ideal organization: The police force has been at half strength since the budget cuts.
2. Military capability in terms of personnel and materiel: an army of fearsome strength.
1. A source of power or force.
2. One that is regarded as the embodiment of protective or supportive power; a support or mainstay.
3. An attribute or quality of particular worth or utility; an asset.
Degree of intensity, force, effectiveness, or potency in terms of a particular property, as:
1. Degree of concentration, distillation, or saturation; potency.
2. Operative effectiveness or potency.
3. Intensity, as of sound or light.
4. Intensity or vehemence, as of emotion or language.
Effective or binding force; efficacy: the strength of an argument.
Firmness of or a continuous rising tendency in prices, as on the stock market.
Games. Power derived from the value of playing cards held.

Sometimes I wonder what it is exactly I am striving for. Am I searching strength? Am I searching for strength? Am I searching for fortitude? Strength of mind which allows one to endure pain with courage? What am I looking for? Peace of mind seems to be too much to ask for. Especially here, especially now, at this point in my life.

Am I looking for strength, or do I have too much of it? Or do I not have enough? Sometimes, I wonder where I get my strength. I know I have strength. My strength is the only way I can keep myself going sometimes. It's the only way I can...simply be. It's hard, sometimes, to be, with out being consumed. A dear person in my life told me once, "Don't be consumed, Liz." --It keeps playing, over and over and over in my head. I know I am not free of consumption, but sometimes I wonder if it's the only reason I try not to be consumed... because I have strength.

Strength is a funny thing, I think. At least mine is. There have been some hard things to endure over the course of my life. My life has been far from normal. I wish my biggest problem would be homework, or sitting around with friends, wondering what tv show to watch. But it's not like that. It can't be like that. Not for me. That's not the way of it, it seems. I have one friend who asks me "so what's the new Liz drama?" and another friend who says "Two words: Lifetime Movie" when I see him. When I'm trying to be strong, or when I think I need to be strong, I suppose is a better way to put it, things don't seem to phase me. "Oh my God! How terrible" and I just think "Eh. C'est la vie."

Is that good? Is that a good thing for me to do? I'm not asking myself. I'm asking you.

If I could only figure out what it is I want, and what it is I am looking for, maybe I would have a destination.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 10:17:32 GMT

I've created a communal blog.

http://www.blogthelizard.blogspot.com thoughts, poems, theories, random...whatever. By invitation only.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 10:17:23 GMT

Bouncing Bovine - Lesson 5

"Without other people, no one would ever improve to self actualization."

My dearest confessor.

There was something I was supposed to learn, and I needed to grow. This whole event has sparked a change in me. I have found out a lot about myself, and I feel better. I feel better than I did a year ago. I have learned to listen to myself. I learned to listen to my inner voice. Which isn't even really a voice. My inner voice, which may be different from your inner voice, and Frank's inner voice, and Mom's inner voice, doesn't actually have words. But none-the-less, it is a voice because I can hear it, and I learn from it. It's how I know, without knowing. When all is still, and reality goes beyond my comprehension, I close my eyes, and I can see something, so intense, and so bright, and I just *know* what it is I'm supposed to do. Words are innadequate in describing the warmth, and the power of this voice. It tells me things, without words.

How do you take words, which are so meaningless, and mundane, and inadequate, and use them to describe something so powerful, and so overwhelming? How do you describe the light you see that consumes you, when you close your mind, throw your thoughts in the dumpster, and just focus on being? How do you describe reality? Emotion? Love? Passion?

Synonyms for describe are: narrate, recite, recount, relate, report. But they aren't adequate. The english language seems to be incapable of describing what I feel, and what fuels me. No matter how many words I learn, no matter how many new words a day I learn, I feel incapable of describing passion, reality, love, emotion in a way that is actually adequate. I can't, realistically, explain my inner voice. I can't explain it, and guarantee you'll understand.

But please don't berage me with all the pesky questions to my lack of answers.

Someone said to me earlier that I seem to have all the answers, but I don't. I know that. I'd be a fool to think that I did. I have no answers. I have theories. I have opinions. I have no answers. The questions that I ask, the things I desire knowledge about, might be things that I can't get answers to.

Colleges don't teach you that there sometimes are no answers. Sometimes, you just are. Sometimes you can just be, without knowing why, or how, or to what point and purpose. But you don't learn this in school, unless you're lucky, and have one hell of a teacher.

"College is about learning how to find the doors inside yourself so you can continue to grow. Edward ...Jake...Me... we all stagnate you I think. All of us hold you down to our level because you are so fucking amazing. So fucking amazing and beyond what we think we can accomplish, that ... well you know. We've had these talks before. Fuck my misery. Fuck his misery. That's not your problem."

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 10:15:22 GMT

Are words enough?

Do words, can words, really do the topic justice? How do you describe something that you know without knowing why you know it?

How do you describe reality? Or that warm light when your thoughts vanish from your mind and you exist in, and as a part of, the essence?

Your essence?

How can you take emotions, love, passion, hate, happiness, misery, anger, and experss them in an adequate manner? How can you take these emotions, which are so vast the sky cannot contain them, and express them in a manner that is adequate?

I try to express my emotions, but it's difficult, because when I try, even I, the creator, don't see what I meant to express. How can words be good enough, and pure enough, to describe something which is so hard to comprehend yourself, in a way that others can understand it?

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 10:14:25 GMT

When one says they desire a change, what happens? Do we change the now, which is always changing, thus, we are always changing, and adapting...we are never the same person, by changing our thoughts and actions, or does our change manifest itself in our thoughts and actions?